1 True Talks
1 True Talks
Purity Pressure – Navigating Physical Boundaries on Your Own Terms
Discover the true essence of purity in relationships and how to align your heart, mind, and actions with faith, as we welcome Dr. Melissa Fenton, president of Mind, Body and Beyond Center, to 1 True Talks. Together, we redefine purity beyond sexual restraint, recognizing it as a holistic state that reflects God's teachings in all aspects of life. As culture often commercializes and misrepresents intimacy, we offer practical insights to help you uphold your values and foster meaningful connections. Dr. Fenton shares how to reframe discussions around sex and intimacy, emphasizing that purity is not about perfection but about staying true to one's spiritual and moral convictions.
Navigate the intricacies of setting personal boundaries within your relationships with newfound clarity and confidence. Together we will guide you through the dynamic evolution of boundaries, highlighting self-awareness, communication, and mutual respect as crucial components. Whether you're engaged, dating, or single, learn how to fortify your emotional and spiritual foundation while maintaining commitment to a God-honoring relationship. Join us in this heartfelt journey infused with faith, love, and integrity, and inspire your relationship path with wisdom and grace.
Hi, I'm Renee Richel, the founder and president of 1 True Match. I'm here to help you find and cultivate the love of your life. For over a decade, I've dedicated my life to the importance, purpose and dynamic of human relationships. My team and I are disciplined by faith, love and integrity to help our clients find the quality relationship they've always dreamt of. Each week, I will be sharing the tools and tips I've learned that have rooted my success as a matchmaker with other leaders around the world. Hello, loves, welcome back. I am so excited for this next topic about purity pressure navigating physical boundaries on our own terms. This week I am excited to have our beautiful Dr. Melissa Fenton, who is the president of Mind, body and Beyond Center. She also has her own private practice here in Jacksonville Beach, and today we are going to explore how Christians can navigate purity in a world filled with external pressures, helping you redefine purity, set personal boundaries and honor God in your physical choices regarding sex and intimacy. So welcome, Melissa. I'm so excited you're here with us to talk about this huge topic.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:Thank you, Renee. I am honored to be here and it is, you're right, a huge topic.
Renee Richel:And so what we're going to start off with is I want everybody to know a little bit about you. So if you could, in however many words, tell us a little bit about what you do and how you have helped people over the years in your practice.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:Sure, sure. So I am a licensed mental health counselor and I hold a doctorate in sexology. I am married, I've been married to a wonderful man for going on 35 years, which is is just, you know, work in progress to make sure that we stay committed, committed to ourselves and committed to God and our faith. So, and I'm a very deeply spiritual person. Um, so, and I'm working. I think we talked before the podcast started that my journey has been moving closer and closer to God and this year is my first year starting January 1, that I opened up the Bible and I'm doing a daily walk in the Bible and it's been wonderful.
Renee Richel:I love it, and Melissa and I met about a year and a little bit ago through one of our other amazing experts, robert. You hear us talk about him being financially sexy as one of those other elements, and he connected us at God's perfect timing and I'm so excited to have you on a podcast today to dive even deeper into his word and all that. That means to kind of unpack this title, because it's something that we hear and are faced with all the time, with questions of like what really is intimacy? Right, and I know you, working with some of our singles dating engaged and married couples there's a different meaning in each person's thought of that. But what I want to really dive into today is for our singles also in waiting, going through this time of purity and what really intimacy means too. So I'm going to start off by asking just really our first question that refines purity in God's design for intimacy. How would you define purity?
Dr. Melissa Fenton:for intimacy. How would you define purity? Well, that's a great question. Purity really has two definitions. When we talk about purity spiritually, we're talking about our connection to God, our pure connection to God. And the other is our moral connection, our moral purity. And when we talk about moral purity, it's about our purity, our connection to a partner or to others, and both of them. Well, let me say this it's not all about sex. Purity is in the heart, it's in the mind, it's in our behaviors. So sometimes there's a misconception what purity is and what purity isn't.
Renee Richel:Right.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:So, keeping in mind that when you have your purity, when you're pure of the heart toward God, you have a deep connection to God, right, and then your purity that we hope we have with others is more about being truthful, being honest, having sacrifice and just being open and a good person and following God's word in that relationship.
Renee Richel:I 100% agree. I love it. Why do you think the conversation around purity, sex and intimacy is so critical when it comes to Christians today? Yes, it is, it's critical.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:As you see, our world is ever-changing. It is a world of technology, it's a world where sex sells, and it's everywhere. It's on the internet, it's on TV, it's on the billboards, it's everywhere. So that can be very confusing for Christian people.
Renee Richel:Yeah, I mean to the point where now they have like I think it's like what is it like robo girlfriends or something Like it's just not what's out there.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:It's crazy and the idea of sex sells and our culture is very permissive. Yeah, so what does a Christian person, single person, do? How do they navigate that with our culture, where those conservative norms are not what I would say the norm, it's not what your friends are doing or what social media is showing.
Renee Richel:Right, right. So how would you define purity Right? So how would you define purity.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:Personally, as I say, purity is the sexual component of purity and, as I said, it's not all about sex, right, right. So purity is about, in your heart, following God's word, knowing your true values and following it and sticking with it. So purity is within one's heart and then it moves into your thoughts and actions. Also, I can tell you that purity, what it's not and what it's not is perfection. That is true. It's so true, and we have that misconception, that the only way we can maintain our purity is if we walk God's word perfectly.
Renee Richel:Yes, yes, amen. What does the Bible say about sex and intimacy, and how can we view these topics in a way that honors God, rather than seeing them as a taboo?
Dr. Melissa Fenton:That taboo is tough. Taboo, that taboo is tough, right, I mean, I think a lot of single Christians feel, as I say, confused and if they follow the social norms, they feel like they're sinning and then they feel impure. So what I would say is to anyone listening it's about looking at yourself and ask what are my values? What do I believe in? Not what social media tells me I need to believe in, or the internet. What do I personally, what's my relationship with God? What do I believe in and can I stick to that? So intimacy and sex are. When you talk about purity, intimacy and sex, sex, take out the word sex so much and think how can I be intimate first with myself and with God and what are my values, and then be clear and stick with them. So when you start dating, you be honest with yourself and honest with your partner and say that this is what's pure for me and this is what makes me feel okay, and I'm going to stick to these boundaries.
Renee Richel:Yeah, which, I always say, creates such a deeper foundation to an intimate communication relationship, to know you're leading in the right direction, absolutely.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:Yeah, I love that Okay.
Renee Richel:So navigating external and internal pressures let's talk about culture often promotes a do what feels right kind of attitude when it comes to the mindset of, obviously, sex and church sometimes focuses on what is shame-based purity right in the culture. How can someone navigate these extremes and find healthy, biblical actions?
Dr. Melissa Fenton:Well, obviously, anytime we have an extreme, that's problematic in my eyes. So I want the listeners to understand that neither extreme is right. We're looking for the middle ground. We're looking for that middle way. And in order to find that middle way once again I go back to the previous answer look to yourself, for what does that look like for me? Because what it looks like for me may not be what it looks like for you, Right? So when you know that and you're comfortable with that and you can say this is who I am and this is what I want, and then it's about exercising self control yes, Right, Because it is tough. It is tough when we're feeling those feelings toward another and we want to get closer to them, and obviously the chemistry takes over. I would say again, if I can be more succinct about it, is knowing what's right for you, really declaring those boundaries to the person that you're going to be dating and sticking to them and feeling like that's my middle ground and I'm not going to wait.
Renee Richel:Well, in our practice, all day long, we always tell her if somebody doesn't appreciate and respect your morals, values and beliefs, then there's somebody else that God has designed for you right, so it is important that you say that early on. We always say set boundaries and just make sure that you're with somebody.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:That also is intentional and believes that right exactly, and so, and, and I always want to say that another piece with that is pray about it, pray to god ask what is the middle ground for me, what do you have from?
Dr. Melissa Fenton:what is my design? And ask for forgiveness if you feel like you've swayed one way or another, because God has so much grace and forgiveness that he grants. So, remembering that there is no one way and it doesn't have to be extreme. It's about asking for forgiveness through prayer and then honestly saying what's good for me and being comfortable declaring those boundaries with someone else and then living a different way to not continue that path right too.
Renee Richel:So how do you deal with clients that kind of go through? What I would say is that guilt and shame from maybe you know past sexual experiences that they have a hard time now going into a new relationship being this way.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:Good question. Guilt and shame are strong and very, very common emotions that we all do. First I would say to those clients is you're not alone, we are not. We all sin, we all do things, maybe cross boundaries that we now know later on that we regret. So I know it sounds so elementary, but it's so important for someone to realize that you are not alone in this. We all do it. So when we know we all do it, there allows some sense of peace. I can take that burden off me and then, of course, again go back into prayer and ask for strength and forgiveness from God.
Renee Richel:I love that.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:So we do that and we look to the present. Then, once we've done that, once we've done those two major components, it's about now, here I am and I want to move forward in a certain way, am and I want to move forward in a certain way. So it's setting the goals for yourself and sticking with them and not feeling like I have to look back, right back to the present, because the past is gone and you've asked for forgiveness and now it's all about what you're going to do, moving forward.
Renee Richel:Right, Great advice, Absolutely. When we talk about like practical steps and setting boundaries in dating, you know setting physical boundaries can be difficult, especially when it comes to the emotional attraction, like you said.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:Yes that chemistry is strong.
Renee Richel:How would you advise you know singles early on to be having those conversations, so that they don't have to be in those temptation moments?
Dr. Melissa Fenton:Yes, great question. I think we all have been there at one time or another. So I would say I mean there's two components to this question, if I may. The first is, again, knowing yourself, being aware of what your boundaries are. It's so often that we look to other people oh, that's their boundaries, or that's someone else's boundaries on TV, which can be boundaryless and then the confusion sets in. So once again coming back to self, being aware of what feels right with me, being aware of what feels right with me.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:If you don't know what that is, look to some of spiritual mentors or those in your community that follow the same, have the same like-minded beliefs and values that you have, and then get firm on it and be comfortable saying to your partner early on, earlier than later. Having that is a crucial conversation and I know it can be awkward and it feels like there's fear, like if I say this, they're not going to want to be with me. But remember that, as you said, if that person doesn't receive it well, then they are not the one that God has a plan for you to be with. So it's about honoring yourself, knowing your values, knowing your boundaries and expressing it early on. Now, let's face it, we tend to change. No one stays the same. We are ever evolving.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:So what might be early on in your relationship, for instance, if you're not comfortable with more than holding hands or a hug, you express that in the beginning but later, as you move deeper into the relationship and you have more trust and respect with one another, then you can have that conversation again. And what I would say really the second part, is once you have that conversation and you know your boundaries and you stick with it. Let's say your partner has stricter boundaries. Let's say they're not comfortable even holding your hand because they know that's going to lead to something else the stricter, the boundary wins. So it's really about right. So, whoever someone, maybe we assume that our values, our boundaries are someone else's and we don't want to have that assumption. We want to know ours, express ours clearly, stick with it and have our partner tell us what theirs are. And, as I say, if yours or theirs, whoever, has the stronger boundaries, we have to honor them.
Renee Richel:And if they're not willing to honor it, then move on yeah, and I love the word honor, as you're saying that, because in a marriage, in a relationship, that's what it is all about is love and respect right, and if we're not respecting that early on, in just even the single stage of it, how is it going to be then someday? In a marriage, too, we have to practice what we preach. Right Is a big part of it too, so I love that. So what about, like overcoming challenges and staying committed to purity? One question is if someone crosses a boundary they didn't intend to, how can they bounce back spiritually and emotionally, which you kind of talked about was being prayerful and forgiveness, and intentional right.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:Yes, that's always first, and the second is to again to remember we are human, being human as far as I know, there's only one person that has lived a life without sin and thank goodness he did and he forgives us through his sacrifice. We are always forgiven. We will always be forgiven, moving forward. So when you cross a boundary and you've been prayerful and you ask for forgiveness, then it's about okay, how can I asking yourself, how can I do things to feel good about myself again? So, maybe that's. We've already talked about prayer. Maybe there's meditation, maybe exercise, spending time alone, feeling like reading scripture again, surrounding yourself with like-minded people in your community. There's so many ways and each person needs to look at what fills their cup, what's going to refill yourself, because it's not about continually sacrificing and punishing oneself, because then we know you're going to sin again, right? So once we start feeling better about ourselves and we realize we're back on that bike and we're riding again.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:That's what we want to do is what's going to get us back on that?
Renee Richel:bike Right. Keeping your mind, body, spirit and energy active in other areas right too, fuels that intention to stay in your values too, so let's talk about keeping Christ at the center of relationships. So, as you, I'm sure, work with couples as well as singles too. How can engaged couples prepare for a healthy, God-honoring sex life in marriage while maintaining boundaries before marriage?
Dr. Melissa Fenton:Great question. It's not easy. I'm going to start with that, right? Okay, Again, it goes back to the conversations. It goes back to remembering when we talked about sex and intimacy, remembering that intimacy and sex are separate. They don't always have to be, but when we're talking about keeping marriage, sex within the confines of marriage and not having sex prior to marriage even though you're engaged and you're committed to one another, I would say go back to the basics, go back to deepening your emotional and spiritual connections. So it's, sex is wonderful and it's going to be wonderful when you're married and it's one of those gifts that God has given to us. However, what we want to do and I think God wants us to really respect and get to know one another and go together and go to church, read scripture together, make a wonderful community of friends that are like-minded together, spend time doing things that build that trust and that connection emotionally.
Renee Richel:Yeah, that solid foundation to build off of right.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:Solid foundation, because and then I also say because I have had clients that say, okay, so how do we transition from no sex, no talk about it, and then suddenly we're married and it doesn't always. It's not always seamless, right? So I encourage couples that are engaged to talk about what sex means to them and what they expect once they get married, so it's not just a shock that you don't go from one to the other. Let's have this bridge that takes you so when. Oh well, this would be something that would be wonderful for me. This is what I envision with a beautiful sex life. You know, talk about these things. So it's such a wonderful thing that you're just going to seamlessly move into that.
Renee Richel:Right, and everybody does have different expectations when it comes to that, as some of our married couples and things like that that either we'll send to you or just in general talk about these things while they're in waiting, right? Because I mean somebody could have these wild fantasies when you're married, right?
Dr. Melissa Fenton:or someone could nod and like just different, all right, and we don't want to like it more. Some like it, like all these things nobody thinks about and talks about until then they're married and they wonder why it doesn't work right exactly, don't prepare.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:So I would say this is a beautiful time for preparation. I also think, and you know, you could go the pastor when you have premarital counseling. They talk about these things, but I encourage that kind of conversation. Now, sometimes that conversation can get heated in a passionate way. So I also encourage you to be proactive and think about how do I not put myself ourselves in situations where we may cross boundaries, right? So thinking about such what comes to my mind is if I'm engaged, or when I was engaged way back when, I probably wouldn't go to my fiance's house late at night, I wouldn't stay there past midnight alone, because then we're asking for the temptation to get strong. So why do we even put ourselves in that? So we do want to think ahead and set those boundaries Again. You're doing that like you would with dating, but maybe you have to do it even more strongly because you've gotten to a place where you know each other, you trust each other, you're spending more time together. So I say those boundaries have to be followed even more stringently.
Renee Richel:A lot of the things that I know, I find and you're the expert obviously in this department is things go back to maybe childhood of some sort. Do you ever do a deeper dive to kind of help to figure out where those temptations or the lack of, I would say, control or boundaries come from?
Dr. Melissa Fenton:As you know, in my doctorate in sexology I work a lot with a whole range of sexual concerns and oftentimes with married couples. If I may jump to that, if there's issues, if there are issues with their intimacy and their sex lives, then when they come to me we do an exploration and we do go back to when they were sexualized. How did they learn about sex? Was it safe, was it healthy, was it deviant? Because those help us uncover what's going on internally, what causes those temptations, those drives, those urges that may be getting in the way of a healthy relationship.
Renee Richel:For those of you that are single, listening to this thinking this doesn't pertain to me because I'm not in a relationship I do tell everybody all day long if you want to be successfully married, learn these conversations now so that when you do meet that person, you're prepared and enriched what to do.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:Awareness is key. It always is, and I would say that's always what I start with After prayer. We go to awareness, because if we're not aware of what's going on, where the temptations are, then there's no way that we can address it.
Renee Richel:It's so true. It's so true, and this is such a powerful topic, when we look at why relationships fail, and a lot of it has to do with either finance or sex or whatever, and it's because they didn't have the preparatory questions I feel like prior, coming from the period of singleness and waiting to be ready.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:Look how far ahead someone would be if they knew this Right. None of us were taught this stuff, right?
Renee Richel:All we were taught is you go out, you meet somebody, you have that feeling, that warm fuzzy, and then you get married and nobody really talks about it. It all works out. That's called, like you know, the Disney fairy tale.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:There's no reality through any of that and it's not realistic because, as I said, we sin. We don't intentionally sin all the time, most of us do not but we're learning. We're humans and God knows this about us, and God is always there to forgive and give us the strength to work on being better.
Renee Richel:Yeah, and I love that you talk about, you know, being intentional in prayer and pulling out your Bible. And there's so many times when there's something on my mind or I'm prayerfully praying for some of our clients or matches or just people in general. I'll be like, okay, lord, what do you want me to hear and I love the Bible how it'll have you go to certain scripture that gives you the answers you're seeking in those moments and it's like, let me stay strong in that and that's where I need to be in this moment in time too.
Renee Richel:So in closing because I want to get like. Your takeaway from all of this is what would you share with the listeners as a takeaway from this topic of conversation, to remember.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:There's so much. I guess the takeaway for the listeners that I hope that they gather, and with them on their journey, is that, again, we're all in this together. The human condition is we're learning, we're going to make mistakes, we're going to fail, we're going to ask for forgiveness. So I want you to go away with hope. Hope that it's okay, that you will follow God's plan, is there for you. And each and every time we stumble, if we remain hopeful and we get up and we say you know what, wait a minute, let me go back to prayer, let me go back to the basics God's word, and I know that he has a plan for me and I know that's so simple but it's so powerful. I know that's so simple, but it's so powerful, because if we know that God has a plan for us, then we don't have to control and worry and live in fear. So my hope is that you leave thinking I don't have to fear. Is there someone out there for me? Am I going to find love?
Renee Richel:Let that go and remember that God has a plan for you, amen, and I'll never forget my guardian angel, who is now in heaven watching down. It started and lit my torch in everything that I do. That was the one verse Jeremiah 29: 11 NIV, that she left in my implanted heart forever right, and it just it made such sense, even though it was confusing. It also gives you so much peace, so I absolutely love that. So share with everybody how our listeners can connect with you and get guidance when they need a resource.
Dr. Melissa Fenton:As you had mentioned, I'm here in Jacksonville, Jacksonville Beach. They can get on. They can either the website Mind, body and Beyond Center or they can look up online. Melissa Fenton either Dr. Melissa Fenton or Melissa Fenton PhD.
Renee Richel:Which I love, So we are definitely going to have you back on and I would love to have the listeners write in any additional questions around the topics that I feel you can do a much deeper dive into for clarity and everything else. So hopefully we'll have a library of more tips and tools that are really beneficial and helpful. Hopefully, we'll have a library of more tips and tools that are really beneficial and helpful.
Renee Richel:So thank you so much for joining us on today's topic that I feel like so many seek and want to know more on. So we hope that you have found this valuable and beneficial to share with others who are looking for this answer and seeking clarity, and, obviously, connect with Melissa at your convenience as well as us, so that we can have her on for more chats around this topic and other things that she's so knowledgeable. In Next week, we are going to talk about Happy Valentine's Day, which I cannot believe is almost only a week away. Next Thursday, February 13th, 1 True Match is doing a 1 TRUE SOCIAL: Comedy Cupid Night. So if you haven't already purchased your tickets, please go on, and any of our social media will share with you how to get a ticket. This is for singles in. I feel.
Renee Richel:One of my biggest ideas that I did forever ago was connecting incredible Christian singles right before Valentine's Day so you can walk away with who knows what maybe a new friendship, maybe somebody that you'll have that you can go and have. I don't know. I say get dinner together or have pizza and wine, or whatever it is, to just celebrate having new friends and being in this journey together. You are never alone, as Melissa said, and so we hope to see you at that event. We're going to love and leave you and hope you have a blessed week Until next time. It's been another great talk on this episode of 1 True Talks by Renee Richel. I look forward to our next chat. Please write in your questions and comments so I can be sure to talk about whatever it is you want to discuss in our next upcoming episode. Lots of love, God Bless XOXO.