1 True Talks
1 True Talks
How Churches can Champion Singles with Pastor Freddy
What if worship is the on-ramp to real relationship change? Renee welcomes Pastor Freddy Wachter, a Worship Pastor at Desert Song Community Church in Redmond, OR. He believes music can prepare hearts more effectively than any announcement or program. From his adoption story to his call into ministry, Freddy shares how worship functions as a spiritual weapon, turning a Sunday setlist into a doorway for healing, conviction, and hope.
We dig into the complex world of Christian singleness and dating with unfiltered honesty. Are churches unintentionally sidelining singles? Freddy argues for a radical shift: let singles lead singles, stop siloing them with awkward mixers, and integrate them into the life of the church with respect and real roles. We tackle codependency with clear, compassionate boundaries, why grace without truth enables, and truth without grace harms and how healing past wounds keeps them from hijacking future relationships. The goal isn’t a perfect story; it’s a healthy one.
Then we take on dating culture head-on: the buffet mindset from apps, myths from rom-coms, and the fallout from shame-based purity narratives. We propose a better path—root your choices in Christ, define a short list of non-negotiables, and balance spiritual alignment with practical competence like communication, budgeting, and service. Pursuit still matters, modeled in Song of Solomon’s respectful passion. Give second dates when possible, invest real time, and let character deepen attraction. For women, look for a man who actively participates in a local church and serves. For men, seek a woman who knows her value and respects yours. Healing, worship, and wise choices beat hype every time.
If this conversation helped you rethink love, singleness, or ministry, subscribe, share with a friend who needs it. Got a question or topic you want us to tackle next? Send it our way, we’re listening.
Hi, I'm Renee Richel, the founder and president of 1 True Match. I'm here to help you find and cultivate the love of your life. For over a decade, I've dedicated my life to the importance, purpose, and dynamic of human relationships. My team and I are disciplined by faith, love, and integrity to help our clients find the quality relationship they've always dreamt of. Each week, I will be sharing the tools and tips I've learned that have rooted my success as a matchmaker with other leaders around the world. Hello, loves. I'm so excited to be here with a very special guest, Freddy Wachter from Desert Song Community Church in Redmond, Oregon, Central Oregon, right? He is with us, and he is the creative arts pastor at that church. And we came alongside of him as we met him reaching out because that's what we do as matchmakers, building the Lord's kingdom together, one heart, one couple, one community at a time. And it just begins with conversations. So I asked him to join us on this podcast in today's topic to ask all things that we want to ask pastors when it comes to singlehood, just things going on in the church and the community, and how we can really bring awareness for God's purpose of what true love is. So welcome, Freddy.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Thanks for having me on your podcast. Appreciate it.
Renee Richel:So we're gonna start off with just some questions that I think the audience would like to hear. And then maybe we'll freestyle a little bit off of just in general, how everything flows to, you know, just give people out there that are single and prayerful and intentionally confused and, you know, where do they go in the church and things like that, that um hopefully we'll have time to dive into too. So to start off, can you share a bit about your personal journey in your testimony, how you were called into ministry and how your relationship with God has evolved over the years?
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Yes. So I would say if you all know who are watching this, pastors have a tendency to over-talk, so overshare, my friends say. So I'll give you like the tip of the iceberg. Uh, so basically, I was adopted from Seoul Korea when I was two years old. And my mom and my my adopted parents, they are my real parents to me. They had two girls, and the Holy Spirit told my mom to adopt. So they adopted through the organization called Holt. They saw a little picture. She said, He's the one. They docked me over. They had one more adoption. Now another adopted brother had one more of them of their own. So I have a pretty big family. I have uh, I'm the middle child, I'm kind of like the black sheep of the of the group, so to say. But raised in the church, I've known Jesus my whole entire life. I started singing in plays. If you're old enough to know like the salt of the singing song books, like I was in the plays back then, picked up drums, then picked up acoustic guitar, and then by leading for one of our Saturday services in my hometown of Ohio, California, where I'm originally from in Southern California. A pastor came and told me and said, I believe that you have the anointing of being a worship pastor someday. And at that time, I'm like, I'm just here to play music. I had no idea. So then I just kept pursuing that. I went to a worship school and I've been doing it ever since. So I mean, my my life calling is ministry.
Renee Richel:I love that. I love that. So you have been fueled by the Holy Spirit, sounds like your whole life. And uh that's awesome that you have that family that just took you in and has continued to support you through that. That's awesome. How do you define kingdom work in your own life?
Pastor Freddy Wachter:In my position as a creative arts pastor, I believe that music is a tool that we can use. And I use this terminology a lot. Music invades our lives without our permission. And what I mean is it doesn't have to be worship music, like music in general, just listening to birds singing, like going on a hike or hearing a violin or a cello. There's something about music that powerfully moves people's emotions. Now, when it comes to in the local church, when it comes to singing songs, where the kingdom work comes into play, if you look at scripture, like look at the walls of Jericho and how it was done, look at King Saul when he was torn by his dreams. Like music was used as a spiritual weapon a lot of times to soothe tormented, you know, souls, like King Saul. So when he had those visions, he called in David. And when David came in, I tell people when I auditioned, I'm like, he didn't suck, he actually knew how to play, he sucked well, right? And so music is a tool, it's a learned skill. And then even outside of the church, like just music in general, I hate the word secular, but we use anyway, but like secular music is not all bad. Like anything I think that's done with excellence and is done with beauty can be glorifying to God. Now, if the lyrics are demoralizing women or talking about being drunk or whatever, that's a different story, right? But I think music in general, it can do kingdom work. Like I've heard people come to know the Lord just by listening to music in general. And so for me, in my position, like on a weekend service, what I tell my team in any church setting is the worship team's responsibility is to prepare the hearts of people to hear whatever the gospel message is coming forth. So I've seen people, if you ever want to watch, you can look it up online. And Tim Hawkins is called the hand raising church, and he talks about the different ways that people kind of worship, like they kind of flap their arms, my fishbowl's this big, and like the circle of life, right? And so I I love how music and church is specifically, it has a way to um to move people's emotions in ways a lot of times words can't. So I believe that worship music in the local church is a spiritual weapon that we have this gateway to heaven that we're able to then battle against the enemy. Because we know scripturally, Satan was actually the head worship leader or whatever for who knows how long. So that's why music has such a strong influence on outside of the church, because Lucifer was a worship himself. So if you look at Christian music and secular music, for a long time, Christian music was, for better lack of terms, very cheesy, still is a little cheesy in some ways, but now it's gotten so much better and so more professional and just reaching people in different ways. So I think the kingdom work from my aspect is every week I tell my team our job is to get people on base, not to hit a home run. So I plan my set, I plan my transitions, everything. You know, we want to give God our best. But even in professional baseball, the pitcher wants to strike out, the batter wants to hit a home run. So you have two opposing forces, but the reality is we get to do every single week in and week out. So I tell my team, hey, let's try to hit a home run, but if we get someone on base, that's all that matters.
Renee Richel:And it's so true. And like you're saying, I mean, it takes a village and a community to draw people in, to keep them and have them coming back, right? Which takes the welcoming people to the music, to the pastor, and then the, you know, the ones um giving them other opportunities and and just and whatnot. And I love there's so many times we invite people to our church. And I think you and I talked about this when we first were having a conversation, is so many people either they lost a church and haven't forbidden through a divorce, or they moved and they're a little more introverted and they don't feel comfortable and they don't know where to go. And I always say it takes two seconds to invite somebody to sit with you, to join you in. And then I can't tell you how many times, and I'm not just saying Catholics, but typically when I ask and interview people and I ask them about their faith, and I say, Oh, where are you going to church? And they say they're not, and and I say, Why? And whether it be they're Catholic or one of those situations happened, I was like, Well, just come in to our church. And but I do say, you know, in in a non- non-denominational church we go to, I'm like, well, you can come in jeans and a cup of coffee, and like it, you're gonna go to, you know, kind of a rock concert, but it's gonna be Christian music. And I can't tell you how many people have come into our church that either kind of came from more of a traditional Catholic background and that music, they've walked out saying, I have never felt the Holy Spirit so connected to me that now I want more. And I truly believe it comes through just the worship music that starts it in an ease that's fun and exciting. So I so believe in what you do for sure. In your experience, what are some of the most common spiritual or emotional challenges singles face today? And how would the church speak into those?
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Uh, I think you do a whole nother podcast just on this.
Renee Richel:I know.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:And I'm not kidding. So the the one thing I think I've hear the most, and you can, you know, you're a matchmaker, you get this, is I think the church, what's happened, and I'm speaking not so much personal experience because I'm a little I'm a little older than than most singles that struggle with this, is the church has in a way forgotten the singles. So I use this, I use this analogy that it's the same way when a youth group starts, majority of churches, not all, but most churches, they will give the youth group like the leftovers. They'll give them the the used TV, the used computer, the used sound equipment, whatever, right? So they kind of, and I think in the in the church, it's what's happening is a lot of singles they feel like left out. Even myself, like as a pastor, like I'm 46 now, I'm 2047 next month, and I do get a little bit of awkward stares sometimes because people just assume like I'm married, like, oh, what's your wife doing kids? And I'm like, I'm not married yet. And I and then I almost feel like they shun me in a sense because what's what's wrong with you? Nothing's wrong with me. Like, you know, as a matchmaker, I think singleness is more prevalent than it has ever been in the last 20, 30 years.
Renee Richel:Yeah.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:As a social media, because of everything that's you know changed our our perspective on dating. So I would say that um, and then the other thing too is I think a lot of singles in the church not only feel left out, but then when they go to a singles event, like especially for women like yourself, like beautiful women go there and they feel like it's a meat market, and like this shouldn't be it shouldn't be that way, or they have like 30 singles and 40 singles, and it just it just doesn't feel natural. It feels like it's almost like forced, and then you come to these events and you feel this awkwardness to almost perform to you know, and then you get those weird, I'm just be honest, like those weird people that are out there who come with like I've been praying for this, and God told me to go to this event, and that's the one. And I'm like, that's not what God told me.
Renee Richel:So right, and you you shouldn't shirt shop to shop for a spouse, and nobody wants to be labeled with the I'm single on your forehead and the church because biblically we believe in marriage and all of these other things. It's almost like you're in a camp of like, yeah, you don't fit in, right? And if a church isn't doing something for singles, and like you said, when you're single, you're also looking for true love because biblically that's what you're supposed to do is be married and be fruitful. So, what do you do? And it's hard not to look at somebody else and think that. So I totally get it. We get it all the time from our singles.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Yeah, the thing, too, is say you're asking, like, how can the church do better? I think the church would benefit more with the singles by having singles actually speak to the singles. So I got a lot of friends, like pastors will talk about, you know, let's talk about sex or whatever. And they're like, Yeah, it's easy for you to say, like, you're married, you can have sex, you can, you know, even you're laughing, but it's true.
Renee Richel:So it's so true. It's so true.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:These pastors will speak about singleness, but they're not single. And I kind of go, okay, I get that, but you are not reaching the market of people that are actually wanting to be relatable. And so I think if churches would captivate more on people within the church, you know, millennials, 20, 30, 40-year-old people that are obviously godly, but they're able to share a message on singleness, they would reach a whole different demographic and they would also make the single people not feel as lonely. So I was at a church in California and one of my friends was making jokes. She's like, Oh, the single lady's up front, you know. And so her, like as a single mom, parent, whatever, would invite all our other single moms, they would sit in the front. And it just was, it just felt awkward. So I think I think the church, if the church would find better and creative ways of saying, How do we reach our singles and make them feel not excluded, make them feel there's nothing wrong with them, and make and then find ways that we can involve them more within our ministries, where it doesn't feel like, well, you're not this. So I'll give an example, even like as a pastor, I'm not married, but I've given counsel to married people. Um because when it comes to, you know, you're engaged. So when it comes to relationships, a lot of times when it comes to a man or woman, it's just it, and we could talk later, it's the miscommunication. It's like they're they're misfiring. It's not that they're it's not about the marriage, it's that he thinks this, she thinks that. So my mindset, you know, in therapists, same thing. It's like you listen to the perspective and they just want to hear, how do I get past this area? But I think sometimes like disqualifies, well, you're not qualified. I'm like, look at the scriptures. Jesus didn't pick qualified people, he picked people that were willing and that were saying, Here I am, send me. Then you look at the disciples, they were ordinary people that just had a craft of fishing, and he said, Sell it, you know, give everything away and come follow me. And it did, and in that three years that he was with them, right? He then taught them how to fish for men. And so I think the church would do a better job of, like I said, not disqualifying singles and again, how do we reach our singles in a way where they don't where they feel they're included, not excluded, and we actually get them evolved more in the church. I think if the church did that, they would reach way more singles, probably make more connections, where one would be like this, like I said, that kind of that awkwardness if that makes sense.
Renee Richel:Yeah, and it's so true. And I love that you say all that, which we're hoping very soon our Love Starts With You course that we've been teaching for over 15 years to prepare singles during their singleness with God. Love starts with you with God. First, so then you're equipped it, like you're talking about you're only one side of the coin, right? And you're attracting another person that's the other side of the coin, and God is the glue between. And so it's so important that we're learning to know our best self, our DNA with God, who He's designed us to be, opposed to all the other stuff that kind of the world has created or society us to be. So we're our authentic self, and then we build buddies through that where people are practicing and then they're building on a community. So we're excited to be able to launch that out to churches soon for the singles community. And then what's great about it is um I have so many pastors that tell us all day long, okay, we don't want to be the therapist, we don't want to, yeah, you know, like at the end of the day, we'd like to offer something, but then we don't know what to do either. Um, because, you know, this is not why we went into ministry in that regard. So we're excited to be able to be building this um ministry that's like a community for singles. So they're not leaving their church, but bringing more people in that's off, like out of, you know, their church, but yet giving them a resource of something to do too. So I can't wait to share more about that with you, too. Because then the globe is your um, you know, location where you can find anybody. It's all about finding the right person, and God will move heaven and ice and fire and ice for the two of you to be together, too. So um, can you share a story or a moment when God worked powerfully through a relationship, either in your own life or in your pastoral work?
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Yes. So I think you can you can speak on this half, especially as a dating coach. Many people have it the the not so nice term is codependency. Everybody, nobody likes to say like I'm codependent. The the nicer term the therapists say is relationship dependency. So when I was in age about seven years ago, I kind of shared a little of my story. Um, I through that I learned that I had a very strong codependency. Now, men in general, we like to fix things. You're engaged, you probably get that. Don't don't fix me, just listen to me. I'm venting. I just I don't need you to try to fix it. Just listen, right? And so, in that, in that relationship, I developed a very strong codependency because she was an alcoholic. So, in my mind, I'm like, let me try to fix this. So it was like the game, how many glasses of wine did you have? And we celebrate you only had two or three or whatever. So after we broke it off and I went through counseling after that, um, it really made me more self-aware that there's a boundary that I need to set, even as a pastor, because a lot of pastors are codependent in that way, because you know, we want to help people and fix people, but you can only help them to a certain level until that becomes codependency. So in my counseling, what what she taught, this is really good. She talks about what happens in relationships is the person who's codependent and the person who has the problems, they do what's called this this vicious dance. So the person here is doing this, you know, I have an alcohol problem, addiction, or whatever, blah, blah, blah. And then the codependent person is dancing with the person, trying to fix it, but they can't fix that person because this person needs to fix themselves. So on my counseling, the counselor said that Freddy, what you need to do is your ex, you know, going back to the past when we're doing our session, she said, if your ex would have recognized she had the problem, then she would have reached out to Alan, Alan on or A and A or whatever, or Sell Recovery to get help. And the way you break the codependency is then she would come to you and say, Can you support me through that? And that's break that. So it's like you know, as you know, be engaged, it's the partnership of that. So for me, what I've learned even as a counselor in a pastor is I help people to a certain extent. I like I have like what's called the grace, grace, grace, grace, grace. But then there's the truth. So I will give you as much grace as I can, but at one point, you are going to get the truth because if you keep coming back with the same thing, I'm gonna say, Look, man, I've given you every tool in the scripture, every practical thing. This is on you. I can no longer help you. Because you look at Jesus, like Jesus didn't chase after people. Um, like people have this misfortune that Jesus was like, you know, such a nice guy. He was, but he was actually very direct and harsh of people.
Renee Richel:Yes, right. Like in Christianity blessed the ones that actually listen literally word for word, what he said.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Yes. So, like to to kind of um close this this question, if you've seen the chosen, I love the part when Nicodemus was was um was asked, you know, come follow Jesus. And because of his high authority as a Pharisee, now scripture doesn't talk about this, so you know the the the creators obviously give you a different analogy, but I love how Jesus comes into that place with his disciples, and he knows Nicodemus is there, and then in the in the scene, Nicodemus is cowering behind like a wall, and because he's like and Jesus doesn't go, Hey Nicodemus, hey Nicodemus, where are you? Like he doesn't do that, he just he gave the call, Nicodemus made his choice, and then he moved on. And and and I think that's that's the Jesus that we need to bring more back into the church relationship is like there's grace, but there's also truth. And so if we always lean on this, this this abundance of grace all the time, then where's the truth? Where's the consequence? Right. So for me, the consequence was the codependency, breaking off of that, it was hard. But then the the truth is I'm going to not do this again because I don't want to be codependent, or if I recognize it, now I have tools by reading and still talking to you know other people. Where if I find myself in that, I go, okay, wait, time out, Freddy. You're becoming codependent. You need to shut it off.
Renee Richel:Yes. And I love that you bring all that up. And that was one of the biggest reasons why 15 or 17 years ago, when I started the concept of love starts with you with God, is because I'm like, why do I keep attracting the same type of relationships? And the truth is, I lost my own identity of who I truly am that God's designed me to do, because instead I was always helping somebody else that either was codependent, which then I became codependent on, to a whole level of none of us are helping each other. So I always say the best analogy is when you go on a plane and they say put the oxygen mask on yourself first so you can help your seat mate so you're not dead, right? It's the same thing that I'm like, if you don't put that oxygen mask on with Jesus first, you can't help anybody else. And and how I mean what I mean by that is like truly, I'll never forget what a pastor told me. Well, by continuously trying to fix all of their problems, they A are becoming codependent on you. And then ultimately you're not helping them. You're only just pushing the can down the road, right? Without actually resolving what the problem is, because only they can put the oxygen mask on themselves to fix them. So you're actually enabling them. Which I was like, whoa, when I looked at it that way and not so personal, it's amazing how then you can grow and blossom from that too. So I hate that you went through that, but it's also part of God teaching us lessons every day, right? In what we do.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:With that, what I learned too, and I use this when I give counseling to other people, is I tell people, you are not emotionally responsible for that person's well-being.
Renee Richel:True. And it's so true.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:And so when they when it clicks, they go, Oh, yeah, their chaos or their vicious cycle, they want to pull you in. You need to remove yourself from that. Yeah. Every time you try to get into it, you know, it's like you'll never fix them. The only way, like if you you know, just research, like for example, for gambling, I remember researching on a gambler will not stop gambling until they recognize they have something to lose.
Renee Richel:Right.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Until they recognize they have something to lose, they will continue to gamble and gamble and gamble and gamble. But until they recognize, I've had friends alcoholics, and even their doctors say if you don't stop drinking, you're going to die. They still they still drink until they recognize that I'm going to lose my life. I'm no longer gonna be able to be a grandfather to my great grandkids. I need to stop. But internally, that person has to say, I'm the problem, they are not. I need to get help, drop my pride, and then getting help, then they get better.
Renee Richel:And in the meanwhile, people will say, Well, then I just can't watch them crash and burn and fall. And I say, You're not. Just pray for them every day. That's the best power of anything you can possibly give that individual. And then the hope is they'll see the light, they'll come chase after you, but you shouldn't be chasing anybody other than Jesus because he's got this, right? I know a lot of people beat themselves up with all of that too. I feel like you and I can talk for hours about all of this. Um, well, tell me, okay, so here's another what's a common misconception Christians might have about love, dating, or marriage, and how uh we can align our views with scripture, which probably goes off of what you kind of just talked about.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:But oh man, that's a whole nother podcast. I think one thing that's really done a lot of damage is dating apps. I think have just Amen.
Renee Richel:I couldn't agree more.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Naturally, on the same on the note, I actually wanted to create a dating app. That's a whole nother thing, but I need to find someone to actually do it just because of my own experience. And I think there's there's a right way to do it and a wrong way to do it. But anyway, so I did dating apps are one thing I would definitely say a lot of the when reality TV shows came out, I think I did a whole number on it too. But what you did was you started feeding these ideologies, and then I called, you know, whatever your classic ROM ROM ROM videos, you know, the notebook or Titanic and all this stuff. So culture has created this, even Disney, this this fairy tale land, and it's then sequeling a church. And uh, because of online dating, especially as a coach, um, it's it's like there's a it's not just there's a two-course meal, there is a freaking buffet now. And is everyone is saying, get this and do this and do that, and the social media, we know how real and fake it is. People portray these lives, like everything is so great. I have the house, I have the car, I have the kids, I have this, whatever. And and and so I think what's happened is we've created this false reality of what we think a relationship is. Um, I would even go further if you want to do another podcast another time. The whole purity culture completely destroyed the way we look at sex. And then the church in general, even like on a on a moral failure type of thing, I think sex, sexual sin in the church has been put on such a high pedestal that if someone does this or that, it's like they're excommunicated. And I'm going, okay, but you never talk about gluttony, you never talk about the other types of sins, like you always talk about this, and so you you put, and then you talk about, you know, I'm a part of a couple of single groups where people are prideful, like, you know, why I've kept my virginity, that's great, but you also have not been educated how a woman's bodies work or how man's bodies work. And so like you have this purity culture that I'm not I'm not all against it, but I remember when in my last church, the pastor was great, he said, I gave my girls, yes, three girls, not a promise ring, but I gave them a um, I gave them a value ring. So no matter what happens, if they mess up, I they know they're still valid. There'll be a consequence, whether you're pregnant or whatever, stuff like that. But he but he took away the whole purity thing and he said, I will love you no matter what, but if you make this consequence, you're gonna reap the consequences. I'll still love you. But a promise, what happened to purity culture is like even done research. Like I've read that girls were were killing themselves because they made a promise to daddy and then they broke the promise, and because they're daddy's girl, they felt so much guilt overwhelming that they took their own lives.
Renee Richel:I mean, that's a whole nother oh my gosh, that's terrible.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:It's true, it's like a whole nother whole other subject. But going back, I scrolled a little bit.
Renee Richel:Well, I don't think anybody spends enough time that your body is your temple and a gift that God gave you, right? And instead, it's like it looking at it that way, it's like you don't realize it sometimes until later on in life because nobody talks about it at a young age.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:So sorry, I I can I went out changed to go back to your original question. So I think the thing with Christians is, and another thing too is just because he or she is a Christian is not enough. They I mean it he wants someone like that, but how many people do you know love the Lord but don't know how to budget, don't know how to communicate, don't know how to do don't, don't. I mean, I I know a lot of guys are really godly men, but they just they do nothing with their life. Like there's no drive, there's no passion. So you have the biblical principles, but you also have the practical principles. You know that even, you know, I mean, even as a matchmaker, I think there has to be a balance of like, yes, you want someone who has the biblical principles, but you also want someone who also has the practical principles. So I won't go into detail that there's a person in my church right now how to confidential can't say the name, but they're in their 40s and they don't know how they don't know when alignment is, they don't know how to rotate the tires. And I'm like, dude, you're like how would you not know this stuff? And especially being 40. I mean, it's kind of you know, but I mean I'm not voting against them, I'm just saying it's just heartbreaking. It just means that they weren't raised in that. So so I think for culture-wise, like you there's a practicality and there's there's a spiritual I 100% agree.
Renee Richel:Um okay, so with that said, being about like love and dating and marriage and the views with scripture, like where do you scripturally kind of send people in the waiting phase of you know, prayerfully praying for the love of their life or having challenges? Is there certain areas where you direct them to?
Pastor Freddy Wachter:That's a good question. I'm not I want a good rabbit trail. I think the thing, not so much scripture, I just tell people that because I think there's a thing people use the whole you know, Ruth and the Boaz story out of context, number one, and and and they they they use scripture, I think, almost as well, you just need to follow this, and this is how it is. And and I think the thing, and you probably know as dating coaches, I encourage people enjoy being single and learn to love yourself first. If you don't love yourself first, then everything around you, you're trying to find love or acceptance or whatever, it's never gonna fully satisfy you. Like it just won't. I mean, even counselors say like your relationship with God is first, so God is first, your spouse is second, your your your kids or family is third, kind of thing. So I think with the Christians being single, I would encourage them to be okay. So there's a there's a there's there's a word, you know, there's lonely and loneliness. So lonely means I am just lonely. Like being alone is a choice, like I choose to be alone, nothing wrong with that.
Renee Richel:Like, you know, a lot of people they just want to find themselves, they want to do their like some just need that time to be alone to you know find their identity. Yes.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:I have given counsel to singles like The Song of Solomon. So if I need it, what I love about it is it's this man pursuing this woman in such a in such a passionate but such a graceful and respectful way that and you you know this day and coach, how many men don't know how to pursue? Like how many men don't pursue right way, and then how many women shun away the the pursue, right? Like used to be open the door, like thank you. Now it's like I can open my own door myself. Thank you so much. Like, I don't need your help.
Renee Richel:I tell my way, my female clients is all day long. Let a man lean. You want a leader as a man, let him open the door, let him lead. Like, stop cutting him off with the knees.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:The thing, too, is I'll tell men and women, let the man be the spiritual leader. I've nothing wrong with the woman. There's there are more women I've met who are more spiritually mature than most men, and that is a whole nother subject. So, so men being the spiritual leaders, not and you know, and then the scripture you obviously know the wiv, it's on both ends. Yeah. Remember, there's a married couple, uh, friends of mine, they said, How do you say, I always try to outgive, we always try to outgive each other. So it was a balance. Like I always Serve my wife, she always serves me. Like men have their needs, women have their needs. But men, when it comes, like you know, as a man, men have what's called boxes, and women have what's called spaghetti brains. You've ever seen this.
Renee Richel:Yeah, I spaghetti and waffles. They are one of our biggest mentors, Pam and Bill Farrell. Love them.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:So, like nothing box, the work box, sex box, play box, whatever, right? Women are like they can multitask, whatever. So, so so I think where why God calls men to the spiritual leaders, and I'm not I'm being very cautious. I know this is a podcast. There's something that God has put in a man that men are designed to fight. Like you look at boys, they're playing with guns and G.I. Joe's and getting the girls doing the dolls, right? So there's a feminist side of that, and then there's a manly side of that. And I think in culture, there's kind of been this switch. And and so, like, you know, as a dating coach, like women are independent, they make their money. Like, okay, you you do that, but where's the man going to have a role in that? If you do everything on your own, what is a man going to offer you? Are you allowing the man to spiritually lead you to pray for you, you know, to go to church? I mean, I could tell you how many women go to church alone and their husbands stay home. And that just breaks my heart. Because the man needs, like, I've gone to mission trips and in other countries, they specifically go after the men because if the man, when the man comes to know the Lord, the rest of the household follows. Studies show that when a man, even in America, is a spiritual leader, the rest of the family follows. If the wife or the girlfriend, whatever, is more a spiritual leader, then the probability of the rest of the family falling is less. And it's nothing against women, it's just that God called men to be spiritual leaders. So I think, yeah, I'll give an example like worshiping. Um, how many men they will just stand in church and they'll just kind of do this. But at a football game, they're like, Yeah, let's go, baby.
Renee Richel:Yeah, that is such a good analogy.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:I think literally, like they're screaming and yelling at the top of the lungs, and they'll dance or you know, out there, and they'll they'll put body pain on there. But coming to church, they're just like, This is awkward. And I think part of it, another subject is men have a hard time. This is this is definitely borderline. Some men have a hard time deciphering when we sing to God, it's not just as a he, he's a being. So singing these songs, these love songs, you have to be able to separate the the sexuality of it, like the gayness of it. Does that make sense? And so I think like I love when men get emotional, and and for the women, you want a man to be emotional because when a man's emotional means that he's vulnerable and that he's transparent. Look at Jesus, same thing. It's like you want a man that's tough and rugged and stuff like that, but you also want a man that's gentle and is hard.
Renee Richel:Yes, all that all this no different than my men will say that they all day long, like, yes, I'm attracted to a successful woman, but I also want her to be soft, warm, and kind when she's home and not being my boss in every area of her life. What encouragement would you give to someone who feels discouraged in their singleness and who's um ex experienced broken relationships? Has experienced broken relationships.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Yeah, I think, and you probably know this. I think the number one thing people need to do more is heal. So I think it's that everybody has a past, right? So I use this when I talk to people. You have a past, you have a present, you have a future. Have you ever watched the movie Inception? Like with Leonard DiCaprio, it's a great, great analogy.
Renee Richel:I have, but I'm trying to remember what that one's about. But yeah.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Where his his his dead wife, uh, he he he won't let go of her. So in the movie, she always becomes part of his present, which then affects his future. Sure. So I tell people that you have a past and you can't forget your past, whatever hurt someone did, whether it be child or whatever family stuff, but God has given us the freedom of choice to not live in the past. People that live in their past, their past hurt, their past mistakes, even talking about divorce, the reason why the second, the third don't work out is in counselors say because the person didn't heal enough from that divorce.
Renee Richel:Amen. So true.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:You know that as a dating coach, right?
Renee Richel:I witness it, I hear it all day long, and I'm like, we've got to change the trajectory. The only way we do that is change like your true core so we don't keep attracting the same time.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:So so heal from your past, get counseling, go to whatever, you know, blah, blah, blah, read books. So heal enough from your past so that you're able to live in the present, therefore you have a future. Right because if you heal enough from your past, even you know, like first I'm loved by God, so using hours are like it's kind of cheesy, but flat. I'm cleansed, loved, accepted, and pleasing by God. So what I'm like that, yeah, is that I am physically, I'm using all of my senses. I'm feeling it, I am hearing it, and I'm saying it.
Renee Richel:Yeah.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Mentally, that's a thing I've used before counseling as a pastor. Like you're cleansed, you're loved, accepted, pleasing to God. So if like for singles, heal enough for yourself. And I believe that when you've healed enough, then it's like the matrix, like the blue pill, red pill. Now it's singleness as a whole different thing. Now you know the value. Like I have value to give someone else. I don't determine their value myself. And if they're not willing to receive it, then I'm okay with it. Right. Like recognizing your self-worth, what you have to offer, even your own baggage, and being confident knowing that your perspective is now changed. Like you said, like healing. So the typical analogy the guy, the girls go after the bad boys and the tattoos and the muscles, whatever, stuff like that, right? Like they they've created this, this, this fantasy that this is what we're looking for, but that's only the surface. Because you and I know, even on dates, you can go on a guy, a date with a really, really good looking guy. But as soon as he starts talking, within five minutes, your attraction goes up or goes down like that.
Renee Richel:Right.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Looks fade in time. Uh you want to be attracted to stuff like that, but you have to also line with what, like, here's my values. Do you share the same kind of values?
Renee Richel:Right. Which I also say, I think there's enough people that pass it when we talked about earlier online dating, every judging a profile and things like that. I feel, and I I've done a ton of like reels and just topics on this whole conversation. I feel like people don't give somebody enough of a chance. And because at the end of the day, the most sexy quality outside of yes, you have to be physically attracted and we're not curious, but maybe you know, their hairline isn't perfect, their height isn't perfect, but I mean they're attractive, right? At least enough, but they have all the qualities that's gonna last so much longer than the surface, right? That is what actually becomes the most attractive quality about that.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:I I'm sure you do too. I tell this people, especially like long distance, because it's so you know normal now to long distance, whatever. Um, you need to spend quality time with the person to really see the next step. Even as a dating coach, I'm sure studies for women, if the first date doesn't go as good as you thought, unless there's like major red flags, give the guy second or third dates. Like too many people just like one date and they're out. Well, his nails are dirty. Well, he works, he works or his hair was whatever, whatever. I'm like, like I said, like there's all these, there's all these check boxes, like he has to have all these things. I remember a pastor said it was great, they took these couples in one room, singles, males, and females, and they said, write down everything you're looking for in your spouse, right? And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. And then they looked and they said, Okay, now if you were to give that list to your future partner, would their list line up? Would the list right with yours, right?
Renee Richel:Do they want the exact same thing? Yeah. We do an exercise like that, we call it a needs and wants analysis, and then we have it narrowed down because people will put like uh sometimes a hundred things, who knows, right? And we have them narrow it down to our top 12 words that are non-negotiables that when we interview, we use those as our guideline. And then we say, This is your accountability tool, because at the end of the day, the problem when you haven't found that person is you steer away from your non-negotiables, and then you're left with somebody that has none of those non-negotiables, and you're still searching for the love of your life. It's not that hard, which is very similar to what you know they're saying. But we're also like, let's be real, nobody's perfect. So I think 12 words is better than 35. You know? Um, I love that. Okay, so as a pastor, what's one piece of wisdom you wish more couples or singles preparing for marriage could take seriously from the start?
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Yeah, so for the women, and I'll speak to this in young women, you want a man that goes to a church regularly, not just the Sunday Christian that goes on Easter and Christmas. You know, they call the CEOs. Right. Just because they're a Christian doesn't mean they're Christian. Like, there's an actual, like, I call like, are you a follower of Jesus or are you a Christian? Because a follower of Jesus is a totally different mindset to say everyone says they're a Christian, they just think, oh, right. So for the females to say you want a man that actively goes to a church locally, attends like on a regular basis, means he's actually being part of it. If we go one step further, it'd be even better if they actually served in capacity, because then it shows that they're serving a local church, they're gonna serve you. And then for the men, I would say, you know, you want a woman that respects herself. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna probably offend a lot of people here. I'm nothing against selfies, like women take million selfies. I get it, I know guys do too. But there is a balance of how much of yourself public do you want to display for other people to see, and then how much do you want to keep that for yourself and for your partner. So, like I I have a close friend who's married now, but they did not even put on their profile, they were public until after about six months after dating.
Renee Richel:I tell people that all day long, if you're not gonna be proud of something you're posting 25 years from now, don't post it. And everybody's like, 25 years, and I'm like, I'm just given a hard number that we can all, once it's out there, you can always look back at it. And are you gonna be proud of whatever it is you posted?
Pastor Freddy Wachter:So, so yeah, I would say as a pastor, for the women listening, find a man who who actually not perfect, but try to do his best to be a part of a local church, be a part of a life group, because that means that he's actually being accountable to other, you know, other things. It's not just he just shows up kind of thing.
Renee Richel:Well, and he's following Jesus, like you said. I love that. I mean, there is a difference between somebody that's Christ-centered following Jesus and somebody that just says they're a Christian, too.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:So And then I say for the men, find a woman who understands the biblical principle of I mean, it's a whole other subject, like understanding what it means to respect a man. So I think there's there's been a huge loss of respect. Like I know the you know, the R-E-S-P-C-T kind of thing, that that was a big thing. But if you research the actual context behind the song, the author or the the the writer with the song, he wrote it for the sake that he was trying to tell his wife, I need respect. But because a female made it public and made it popular, it was, and I get that women want respect too. But at the heart of it, men want respect, women want love. You don't see men snuggling up on the couch, and maybe you do, uh, you know, for for like a movie. Women will do it, and it's totally normal. But I never see bros like, oh, dude, come here, let's snuggle together. Like, that's just awkward, right? Like, like men want respect. They they want to know, I want a man, I've men in my life, like I know they have my back. And then women want they want they want the love and respect.
Renee Richel:Yeah, I couldn't agree more. I totally agree. Well, I love all of this. We have so many things to talk about. I do have to give a plug and a shout out for you because I am a matchmaker and this is gonna go viral to everybody. So if anybody and everybody is looking for somebody just like Freddy, please contact us. We have interviewed him. I have all of the details privately, confidentially, um, that I would love to learn more about you because I have a good idea, I think, who he's looking for too. Um, and so I would love to chat with you if you have any interest to verify and make sure you're qualified for what I know you deserve, and vice versa, who your future bride is someday. In the meanwhile, we are gonna continue to keep you in our prayers, who the Lord does have for you, because I know this woman is going to just be so lucky to meet you and vice versa back. Thank you. So until next time, um, when we have you back on talking about more topics, please write in if there was anything we talked about today that you're like, yes, touch more on that. I feel like I've got tons. So I know that we'll have you back on for sure, talking about some of the things we ran out of time to talk about in today's podcast. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your week and can't wait for our next chat. God bless.
Pastor Freddy Wachter:Awesome. Thanks.
Renee Richel:It's been another great talk on this episode of 1 True Talks by Renee Richel. I look forward to our next chat. Please write in your questions and comments so I can be sure to talk about whatever it is you want to discuss in our next upcoming episode. Lots of love. God bless.