1 True Talks
1 True Talks
Is Simple Faithfulness The Secret To Love? with Pastor Bob
What if the cure for loneliness isn’t more scrolling, but a bigger story and a closer community? We welcomed Pastor Bob Martin from College Park Church to talk candidly about a decade of singleness, the unexpected grace of a pre-breakup, and the slow, steady practices that turn waiting into deep formation. Bob unpacks the “already and not yet” reality of the Kingdom, why embodied church life matters in an AI-saturated age, and how simple invitations can change a spiritual trajectory.
We explore the most common pain point singles face, loneliness and the constellation of cures that actually help: gathered worship that widens your horizon, small groups where prayer is real, weekly rhythms that tame hurry, and a counterintuitive practice of solitude that lets God speak identity into the quiet. Bob reframes dating as service, not self-fulfillment, and challenges men and women alike to leave people better than they found them. He also dismantles a few myths: singleness is not a single story, there’s no “just do this” fix, and marriage isn’t a higher tier of holiness. Scripture dignifies both callings and roots intimacy in a family of faith.
If you’re preparing for marriage, Bob’s counsel is disarming and practical: YOU bring YOU into the covenant. Start practicing the lifestyle of Jesus NOW, patience, humility, and faithful presence, so the front door of your wedding day opens into a home shaped by Christ’s character. We close with resources for finding community and next steps you can take this week: invite a friend to church, commit to one act of service, and set aside an hour of quiet time with God.
Enjoy the conversation? Subscribe, share this episode with a friend who needs hope, and leave a review to help others find their way to a stronger community and a deeper love.
Bob's Church: https://www.yourchurch.com/
Hi, I'm Renee Richel, the founder and president of 1 True Match. I'm here to help you find and cultivate the love of your life. For over a decade, I've dedicated my life to the importance, purpose, and dynamic of human relationships. My team and I are disciplined by faith, love, and integrity to help our clients find the quality relationship they've always dreamt of. Each week, I will be sharing the tools and tips I've learned that have rooted my success as a matchmaker with other leaders around the world. Hello, loves. I am so excited to welcome a very special guest, Bob Martin, number four, is a pastor at College Park Church in Indianapolis. He also is a co-founder of Bin Min, an online resource ministry helping youth, young adults find their next step in their spiritual life. I love that. I love that. Bob has a bachelor's degree in biblical studies from Viola University in California and a master's of divinity degree from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He has over a dozen years of pastoral experience in various ministry areas from children to seniors, which is our entire spectrum of who we work with. And he lives in urban Indianapolis with his two precious daughters and his wife of nine years, who he met at church. Welcome, Bob.
Pastor Bob Martin:Thank you so much, Renee. I'm really glad to be here.
Renee Richel:We're so excited to dive into what I feel our audience is starving here in this pastor uh series that we are interviewing and talking to different pastors that are really giving our community uh support, encouragement, the latest of what's happening out there in a world that is taking us so far from actual going in face-to-face time with churches and fellowship that's taking us to the convenience of online, which we love when we can't be there. Um, but how much biblically it matters that we're in fellowship together, worshiping our Christ, our Lord, in every walk of our life that gives us the peace that we all need way more in an AI world we live in today.
Pastor Bob Martin:Amen to that.
Renee Richel:So I want to dive in and start off with just asking some questions, and then I'm sure we're just gonna go off track and just talk through whatever God wants us to also share.
Pastor Bob Martin:Beautiful. Yeah, let's do it. I love it.
Renee Richel:All right, so can you share a bit of your personal journey, testimony, how you were called into ministry and how your relationship with God has evolved over the years?
Pastor Bob Martin:Yeah, so I had the privilege of growing up primarily in a Christian household. My parents came to Christ uh after they were married, had a couple little kids, and uh Jesus transformed everything. They grew up listening to be nice sermons, didn't really understand that Jesus was the savior, they needed to put their faith in him. So they did when I was little, grew up, got the chance to go to Christian school most of my way up, and had the very ironic experience when I was in high school, going to a Christian school, of being in a preaching competition. Oh, which is not something many people can say that they've done.
Renee Richel:No.
Pastor Bob Martin:Um, and probably if you're in it to win it, like you shouldn't, right? You shouldn't be that guy. Um, so God used that to just say, Man, Bob, I may be wooing you into a calling here. And I just got to say, God, if I could do anything with my life, I would love to sink my teeth deeply into your word, be transformed by it first, and then just get to communicate your word to others so they could be transformed too. As you can imagine, that's a pretty big thing to receive from the Lord when you're a teenager. Yeah. Um, so I know lots of us have experiences where God's kind of stepped in and done something significant in our life and our teens, but that's at a trajectory so that I traveled 2,000 miles from home, went to California for college, for Bible college, loved it, loved my time out there in training, then came back to the Midwest, north of Chicago for seminary, was there for three and a half years, continuing this training and this path, and God just kept affirming a ministry calling. But while he was affirming my ministry calling, he was also allowing me to go through the crucible of singleness. Um because all throughout that time, throughout college, throughout graduate school, and even into my kind of young professional time, where I landed as sort of an intern on steroids, it was a residency, a two-year experience at a larger church in Indianapolis, where I still am now, spoiler alert. Um he allowed me to walk this journey of going, hey Bob, like there's a lot of things that might be blessed in your life with ministry or your walk with me, but I'm choosing not to yet give you your one person. Will you still trust me? Will you still be faithful? How will you cry out to me instead of going to other things to cope with the loneliness, the anxiety, the struggles? So for any of us who've walked a journey of singleness for any amount of years, I think we can relate to the fact that God may be doing more than one thing in our life at a time, right? Right. And so there's always pieces that there's a struggle, there's there's a challenge, and how do we take that part of our life and surrender it to the Lord? Or frankly, when we fail, and and I have regrets in my journey, how do we take those things and say, I'm not a perfect person and I'm not a failure, I'm a gospel person. So when I do mess up, when I do fail, when I do go to an idol or a bad relationship or something that I choose instead of Jesus, how does he then receive me again, give me his forgiveness, give me his unconditional love, pick me back up, and remind me of the identity I really have, which is more than just a pastor, more than just someone called the ministry, or more than just someone in another calling, but it's his child, his son. So, all that to say, um, I ended up planting in a larger sized church, about 3,000 plus people on the north side of Indianapolis. Indianapolis is one of the bigger cities in the States. I think it's maybe the 16th biggest in the US, which surprises a lot of people. Um, and it felt like home to me. I loved sinking in in the city, but also in the church, because this happened to be a church that had a group of single people. Um, it had been going for years. There had been a lay elder who had planted it like a decade before, and it continued to thrive. And part of that. Yeah, being connected to a larger urban center. And so I plugged into that ministry, not just to lead, but because I needed it in my life. I was in I was in my mid and late 20s, and I said, Man Lord, I don't want to waste this decade or plus of my life. I want to follow Jesus and I want to find community. So God in his grace allowed me to continue in that, eventually start leading that ministry. And we we can double-click into this if you want, but how do you how do you lead a ministry where your flock is also your fishing pond?
Renee Richel:Right, right. Because you are not supposed to venture out for your own gain when it comes to that when you are at church.
Pastor Bob Martin:That is that is a sticky situation, right? Uh, you don't want to mess that up and you don't want to mess people up. Um, so God walked me through that journey, and then um I actually at church, I had I had done all kinds of things for dating um in person, um, people doing matchmaking, had used all kinds of different online tools, um, apps, um, going online, like all this sort of stuff. So grateful that we are in this season of life where those tools are available to us, where we just I may not know who I don't know.
Renee Richel:Right.
Pastor Bob Martin:Um and then God, for my story, happened to put my wife in our church. She came to that church. I got to know her, build that relationship, and eventually we ended up dating for a year plus, getting married, um, and then I was um 31 when we got married. Um, so I walked a whole decade of at least my 20s, single. And now he's been gracious to allow us to be married for about nine or so years, have two beautiful daughters. Um but the more important part of that story than just the fact that God decided to bring a spouse was his work within me to say, even in ministry, and so again, I've been at this church now 13 plus years. Um, I've done all kinds of ministry stuff. I've led small groups, I've led singles ministry, I've done a lot of different things. I've had up membership, which is my role now, encouraging people to come in the front door of the church and be all in. Um but the more important thing is God over time does a work to make us the person he wants to make us. More than he just wants to give us a job or a career, and more than he just wants to give us a spouse or a dream person. He's doing a deeper work within us. So I think that's what I'm most grateful for.
Renee Richel:Which I love to hear you say that, because I always tell everybody it's the trust journey while you're single, and we like to keep our singles occupied with our trust in the Lord instead of focusing so much on finding that person. Now, as a matchmaking company, you think, well, wait a second, isn't that what you're trying to do? And we are. However, we have found our clients that are matched sooner. And I'm saying this to all my audience out there, it is in the waiting season. The ones that are matched sooner are going through what we put them through this journey of discovering their DNA with God, who they are today, from utero to today, to come up with a highlight reel to share their story with their one true match when it's got its perfect timing. And so, you know, we always say I always say there's two sides of the coin, right? Your side, his side, and then Jesus, the glue together, right? And so when you're single, you have to also be available to allow somebody to come into your world that could be taller opposite and accept and compromise and all these things. And if you're not truly ready, like if God had to do this work for you, then that person is never gonna come into your life.
Pastor Bob Martin:Yeah, how many stories there are?
Renee Richel:Yes, through courses, through training, all the things that we have, it really, really helps to prepare and equip you for like when you met your lovely wife that walked in your front church door.
Pastor Bob Martin:That's right.
Renee Richel:So I love that. I love that. Okay, love all right. Um, how do you define kingdom work in your own life?
Pastor Bob Martin:Yeah. Yeah, you know, it's really this beautiful, mysterious thing when you read the gospels and you hear Jesus talking about the kingdom. He says these things like, the kingdom of heaven is at hand, the kingdom of God is near. And um, maybe one of the most accurate synopses that like Bible scholars describe the kingdom as is this phrase, already but not yet. Jesus has inaugurated, he has brought the kingdom of God to earth. And he's doing that by giving his spirit inside real flesh and blood people, gathering together people into local churches that represent his larger church. This is the embassy of the kingdom, right? Yeah. Almost like a new little garden of Eden, that's where his kingdom is breaking in. But then it's also not yet, because as we know, as we experience the brokenness of life, both within us and outside of us, there will be a great day when he will bring that perfect kingdom. So if that's the kingdom, right, wherever God fully reigns through Jesus by his spirit, then what is the work, right? What is the kingdom work that we're called to do? And I would say that it is um one, living out God's image, because that's what he has created us to be, right? You look in Genesis 1, 27 and 28, and he said, Man, it's it's not good for man to be alone. I'll make him a helper fit for them, I'll put them together, we'll gather them in a community just like I am a triune community. We're made for that, and we image him in so many ways in the world, but then we do that as we we love God, we love other people, right? That's Jesus' summary of the greatest commandment, and the second one that's like it, and then we go on his great commission into the world at the end of the Gospel of Matthew, Matthew 28, go and make disciples. So, in some ways, you can think of it this way Um I've I've heard a pastor say this before that the great commandment, right? Love God and love others, and the great commission to go and make disciples is impossible without the great invitation. And that's where Jesus says, Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, from gentle and humble in heart, and you'll find rest for your souls. So, what a gracious savior we have if the work he's calling us to do is even rest in him. He's the one we work through.
Renee Richel:Yes. And on that, talking about the invite we were talking about earlier before we started recording this. How I want to put this out there to all of my audience, I encourage you, if not every week, every other because I'm all about challenges, because we'll actually do it when there's a challenge, to invite one to three people to church with you. I usually come in with multiple different people and they're like, who's this new person? I'm like, oh well, I just collected them, right? Because I think the biggest thing if I didn't have in all the different cities I've lived in, somebody invite me or walk in confidently, like with a smile and a greeting team, you wouldn't be in the churches that you are today. And it takes a village, right? So encourage and invite other people because interviewing a bunch of people that we do on a daily basis, I find some people that just don't have a church, and that's why they're not going. And that is our job as Christians to invite them to sit with you, pray with them, do God's work.
Pastor Bob Martin:Can I, Renee, can I back you up as a pastor? Please do.
Renee Richel:Please do.
Pastor Bob Martin:I was gonna say that so I get to be a pastor of membership. So that means my role is just a recognition that God's already doing work in the lives of people. And when they come into the life of the church, when they come in those front doors, like you mentioned, we want to make it as easy, as clear, and as helpful for them to find community. So, like my dream, my heartbeat, my desire for you, as you're listening, as you're watching, would be that you'd step into a local church, not just because you have to, not just because it's duty, not just because that's what your parents might have told you to do, or hey, that's just what an A told you to do. But because that's where you'll find a trusted community that one will support hopefully your romantic journey and say, yeah, this is good. This is God's picture. And more. They'll say, and we're even a bigger community that's multi-generational. We have different marital statuses, and we want to enfold you and your friends, your neighbors, your coworkers into this spiritual community because what do we all want? Deep intimacy and community. And God's just happened to already build a thing for us that's intergenerational, diverse, messy, and it's called his local church.
Renee Richel:Yeah, it's so true. And I always say, God wants us to give him something to work with. So we have to be out and about. Nothing is gonna fall on our lap, sitting on our couch inside a room, thinking it's gonna happen online. It's not like go be out in community, right? I love it. Okay, so in your experience, what are some of the most common spiritual or emotional challenges singles face today, and how should the church speak into those individuals?
Pastor Bob Martin:Boy, yeah, that's that's real. That's real, Renee. Um I think that the top of my list is loneliness.
Renee Richel:Yeah.
Pastor Bob Martin:Um, I know that um I don't know if there was a day that went by in my singleness that loneliness was not just banging on the door of my heart. And um that's where I think I've found both. I don't want to paint an unfair picture because that's also one of the things. So loneliness is not a sin, it's a struggle, right? It's a form of suffering. In fact, I think it's easy to tell some people who are suffering because they're in a hospital bed or maybe they're in a wheelchair, right? Those physical sufferings we can see, but I think loneliness is a type of relational suffering. So it can be invisible, and you don't necessarily see it in somebody when you walk next to them in the street, see them in the workplace, or over a Zoom call, or even in a church seat. But is it something that we can actually resolve? Is it something that God actually wants to work with? And I would say this: I don't think that there's one silver bullet for loneliness. I think there's a constellation of cures that God wants for us. That if we put these different pieces together, two things can happen. One, we can actually find some freedom from some of our loneliness. That it doesn't have to be every Friday night that we're just like angsty and struggling, right?
Renee Richel:Right.
Pastor Bob Martin:And, but not just freedom, right? We still live on this side of God's kingdom fully coming. Now, there's not always gonna be freedom. There's some days where just, hey, I do feel kind of lonely right now. And you can acknowledge them, walk through that feeling. So we don't just find freedom from loneliness, but we can find formation in our loneliness. Jesus was lonely. Look at the Garden of Gethsemane, right? Like Jesus experienced that too deeply, these deep emotions, so they're good. So, all that to say, I think that there's multiple things that can help us with this real present struggle that most of us feel with loneliness on a regular week. And I think the church plays a critical part in that for a couple things. Can I maybe say a couple of parts that could help with that?
Renee Richel:Yes, please.
Pastor Bob Martin:One of them I think is story. I think it's so easy for me to cope, I'll just talk about myself here for a second, with uh um over-entertainment and internet comparison.
Renee Richel:Yes.
Pastor Bob Martin:And what happens when I look at too much entertainment, and what happens when I look at too much internet, especially other people's lives, is I'm tempted to believe a smaller story. My story is just all about crushing it at work. My story is all about my fitness. My story is all about comparing my vacations to this other person's vacations. And the problem with that is isn't the vacations or fitness or something else isn't, might not be good. It's that it's not the full picture. It's not a big enough story. And so what happens is I just need Sundays. I need Sundays and I need the drip of God's work and his presence in my life every day, Monday through Saturday. But what happens specifically in the life of God's church is I'm exposed to the bigger story. And it says, What's the big thing God's doing in the world that I get to be a part of? That I'm unconditionally loved by the maker of all things, who's working his perfect plan until his kingdom comes so there's no more tears, and his spirit will never leave me, but will powerfully work in me day by day, right? So that story, that's why we get to worship and hear other people worshiping next to us, right? Not just on a screen. That's where we get to be in a small group and hear other people's struggles and our struggle too, and we get to pray. And prayer is amazing and transformative. So I think it helps us with story, and I think it also helps us with our practices, right? It helps us figure out a rhythm of life that isn't based on being too busy with a billion things, or just working ourselves to death, or always chasing the person, the one.
Renee Richel:Right. Right? Right.
Pastor Bob Martin:That can build our rhythm. So we're just chasing and running like the little rabbits I find in my backyard that are digging through, you know, different plants and stuff. And it's like that's what my heart's tempted to be. But when I sit in a church and I'm dialoguing with other saints, I go, Oh, you're trying to build a regular rhythm that's human-sized and God focused. You just spend simple time with God every day, you spend some time once a week having some sort of Sabbath experience to slow down and rest in the Lord, and you make sure to fit worship into your life. Oh, I guess that's what it's all about.
Renee Richel:Yes. And I love that you're all about the story because I mean that's what the churches are there for. Like, sign up for a Bible study, sign up for a male grill, whatever, barbecue thing. And like put yourself in those environments so that you're not lonely, with the Lord, and so many of my singles, I'm like, what are you complaining about? When you're alone, it is the most easy personally for myself. Special time that you spend with God dating God, like or Jesus, right? So, like I have a telling when singles will go through what they're going through and they're like, I just don't know. I can't find anybody. Everybody's like putting all the pressure on me. Like, tell them you're dating Jesus right now. And mean it. Because as you know, once you get married and you have children and you do what you do, they take time away from your intimate time that you had before in your loneliness when it was just the two of you with Jesus.
Pastor Bob Martin:Yeah. And I'll tell you, Renee, I think, I think there's two practices that, like, as I'm single, entering the life of the church and figuring that out, that I think will really help me. One of them is um commitment. And it's just saying, hey, let me just find a thing to commit to in my church. Maybe it's holding little babies in the nursery because it's so sweet and I get to meet other people. Maybe it's saying, hey, I'm gonna linger, you know, in the foyer or the atrium afterward and commit to 15 minutes just hanging and talking to whoever's there, right? Maybe it's a small group, but find a thing and just do it. Just commit to it, because that's when God's gonna work. And you don't give yourself the out, right? Right. Second practice I would say though is coaching, because this is where you were getting to. And that is not every I'm gonna be honest here, right? I've worked in church ministry long enough and been a Christian long enough to go, we get easily misunderstood, right? Yeah, whatever our story is, but certainly if my story is that I'm single right now. Like people just may not even know what the best question to ask me is. So what you get to do in that space is you get to be their coach. And you actually say, Hey Bill, good to see you. You mind if I tell you what I've been doing at work this week? Um, hey Heather, um, really love your cute kids that are running around or whatever. Um, I I wonder kind of what what kind of songs are you listen to for worship or in your car these days? I have someone that I'm really enjoying. Or like, hey, Brittany, like, yeah, I don't really know you that well, but like, let's get coffee and just share some of our stories and like the struggles that we're going through in life, whatever. You get to set some of the agenda to invite people to engage you in a way that's helpful to you. You don't have to just wait in the corner and expect them to whip up the magic question. Give them the question. Literally say, Hey, I I'd love it if you'd asked me how dating is going right now. I'd love it if you'd asked me how my job is going. You know, I'd love it if you'd ask me about kind of what I'm feeling passionate because man, I'm really getting into pickleball. Hey, man, as a as a pastor and as a friend, set me up because I want to know you, but I may not know the question to ask.
Renee Richel:Yes, which is all about connection because when you are single, you have a lot more time that you can also be asking and doing your Christian, you know, work to be able to be there for other people and listen to their stories. Because everybody has a story that has a story that builds upon another story, and everybody knows somebody that knows somebody. So that's another way in your loneliness of time to fill it with the Lord. I love all those ideas. Those are great tips. I love it. Um, okay. What biblical principles or personal practices would you encourage singles to adopt while they wait for um a lifelong relationship? Which you kind of give gave a little bit already of advice.
Pastor Bob Martin:Yeah, but I think I think also the um I think the biblical picture is so important, Renee. I just want to validate that God has given two good callings to humans. One is called marriage and one is called singleness. One does not have a higher value than the other. Um, did you know Jesus was single? Right. Did you know Paul was single? Did you know saints throughout time? There's been centuries where the calling of singleness was actually elevated as holier than the calling of marriage, right? We just happen to be in a historical moment where it's it's more often the opposite, where people say, Oh, marriage is a better thing for some reason than singleness. So, so anyway, I just want to paint the big picture because I think if you trace the story of the Bible, God's big redemptive story, this is what you will see. He creates man and woman in the garden. And he says, he looks and he says, It's not good that man should be alone. I'll create a helper. And that doesn't just mean marriage, it's beautifully epitomized in marriage, right? But we're made for community. Right. He then walks through and you see the journey of all kinds of men and women throughout the Old Testament. Some that are married, some that are single, faithfully struggling, figure things out, failing, and then following God's calling. You hear the heart cries of David and the Psalms, and some of which are perfect examples of a weekend loneliness cry, right? When you say, Ah Lord, how long, right? How long, O Lord? I have these desires that are unmet. Help me to follow you, seek you, find you as my good shepherd, as the faithful Lord. And then what comes in the New Testament, you see in the Gospels, is a Savior who is single, who says, Oh, you want to know who my family is? It's my brothers and sisters who do the will of God. I've planted them in a new family. The primary metaphor in the New Testament for Christians is brothers and sisters. There's one theologian who actually says the bond we share of one spirit as Christians is even deeper and more intimate than the bond that married couples have together, who are one flesh, right? So the intimacy we have Christians is deep and special and important. And then you go on further into the New Testament where there's all kinds of pictures of that community until that final day, when actually it says we're no longer married or given in marriage in heaven, because the love we have with one another, with Jesus, is so deep and beautiful that the ultimate marriage is Jesus with us, right?
Renee Richel:Yeah.
Pastor Bob Martin:So you ask for the Bible. Let me just give you the whole Bible. That's the picture of who we are, and that we don't need to idolize marriage. We can worship a Savior who's faithful to us from beginning to end, who may want to give us the gift of singleness, he may want to give us the gift of marriage, and either one is a good gift and a good calling, even if you're a season of struggling with that right now. And and right, as a pastor, I know people who are struggling with marriage, and I know people who are struggling with singleness.
Renee Richel:Amen. And so it's always like what we don't have is what we want, and we forget to trust the journey and know that there's something bigger if we trust in him with all of our heart, instead of focusing on what we don't have that we believe we deserve, right? So I love that illustration. And I think that's a good message to our community, which we have single day engaged folks as we walk through the journey of singleness, into then what then they come into sometimes our our vow renewal boot camp because they're also like, I now have no time for myself because we're married, we have kids, and then it's like they're all different waves, as you were saying earlier, that everybody goes through. So it's important while you're single, I always tell everybody read marriage-minded books because it's equipping you with the tools of what marriage looks like. So when you're there, you're ready and not shocked. And if you forever want to be single, yes, read single books, but that's not gaining any knowledge of what it's like to be in a marriage someday either. Yeah. I love all this. Is such good nuggets. This is awesome. Um, okay. So can you share a story or a moment when God worked powerly powerfully through a relationship, either in your own life or in your pastoral work?
Pastor Bob Martin:Yeah. Well, um, I'll have one that's maybe unexpected, and it was a breakup. Um, so it was actually not even a breakup, it was a pre-breakup because we weren't even dating. Um, there was a wonderful godly gal who um I had connected with for a year plus. Um we're in kind of that um post-college season of life. And um she was kind enough to initiate a conversation. Notice how I can frame this positively now. Um maybe not in the battery care.
Renee Richel:We think through what you're gonna have.
Pastor Bob Martin:I know, I know. She was this is true though. This is just a wonderful woman, great godly character, to say, even as we were in a friendship, and she had kind of felt the potential signals of like maybe Bob's interested in me, and she just went ahead and initiated a conversation and said, Hey Bob, I just wanted to let you know, like if there is interest there, like I'm not in a season right where I want to pursue that. Like I'm kind of not interested in a relationship, romantic relationship with us right now.
Renee Richel:Setting boundaries, so proud of her. We teach that a lot.
Pastor Bob Martin:Now, as mature as her response was, that didn't mean that I didn't immediately go home and shed some tears. Right? Um, because I thought, man, the death of a relationship before it even began, how long, oh Lord? When will you give me the woman that I desire? What's going on? But then a strange thing happened in my heart, and so I get zero credit for this. This was God's spirit working.
Renee Richel:And how old are you, if you don't mind me asking?
Pastor Bob Martin:Uh so this is this is mid to late 20s.
Renee Richel:Okay. So um several years of thinking that too.
Pastor Bob Martin:Yeah, uh-huh, that's right. And so I I literally um got on my knees and the spirit was working in my heart to say, Thank the Lord for this. And I did. And I said, Wow, Lord, thank you that she was wise and loving and caring enough to go ahead and have this conversation with me. Lord, give her strength, give her encouragement, because that's a hard conversation to have. Right. Her willingness to step into that emotional vulnerable space to say that. And God, thank you that you're still with me and that you have mercy on me and you love. Love me, even if I don't have that woman yet. I know I can trust you, and this was a good gift from you. This wasn't because you hate me, this is because you love me. And I just want to tell you, thank you, and I do trust you. Whoa. Like, where did that come from? Right? It wasn't my flesh, it was God's spirit working. So, as an encouragement, I would say that's one story of how God can work even in a breakup to draw us closer to Himself and really give us a strange trust that we can't supply in and of ourselves.
Renee Richel:Such a good example. And I feel when in matchmaking, clients will say, Well, how long will it take? How long? Because they're already so eager by the time they come to us and they're ready. But at the end of the day, I always tell everybody, I have no idea if it's gonna be the first person I introduce you to, or it's gonna be the 10th, or heaven forbid the 20th. But at the end of the day, that's right. I have no idea how many life lessons God wants you to learn from each person we're gonna connect you with. And each person that we get feedback on, it gives us the stepping stones to who then the one is, to reframe, to ask the right questions, to have our clients think about things they've never thought about. So we're able to position them to the one God has planned for them. And it's raise the Lord when the Lord makes it clear who that one is. What's a common um misconception Christians might have about love, dating, or marriage? And how can we align our views with scripture?
Pastor Bob Martin:Yeah. Um, well, uh the the first one I was gonna say, because we're talking about church, is actually a misconception that I think folks who are not in a single season of life have. Okay. And that's that's a couple of them. One is that singleness is all the same thing, it's monolithic. There's really just one story that people have of their singleness journey into a marriage story. And that's not the case. Like, as anyone watching or listening knows, each one of our stories is unique. The age, the stage, the relational background, the experiences that we've had. It is so different, right? So that's a misconception, I think. And then I think the other misconception is that there's just one magic cure for being able to get married. Oh, just right. I think unfortunately, um, for as many well-intentioned people that tried to offer me advice in my own singleness, it was the word just that wasn't quite right. Oh, if you just um do this, that will solve all your intimacy issues, that will find you the perfect woman, and you'll be good to go, right? And there's not just one just, right? There's not just one magic thing, hey, just get fitter, or just show up for church on Sunday, every Sunday, or just do X, Y, or Z. It's ultimately God's sovereign hand that's got to work, and we're faithful along the way.
Renee Richel:Yeah.
Pastor Bob Martin:So I think that probably the misconception that um men and women who are single can have is undervaluing simple faithfulness. So if I can offer a story, um there's a wonderful friend of mine at church who um is just now in a season of getting ready to get married, kind of in her, she's kind of beyond that 40 mark. Um, and God just worked this story that was more unexpected, right? Because she was so content in her life, it happened to be a friend who introduced her to someone else. She tested out the waters, but she to me was such a model of simple faithfulness. She was faithful in her friendships, faithful in her in her group of women, her close people, faithful with her extended family, and what a blessing if you've got them, whether they live near or far. If you have good relationships, keep digging into those. Those are a gift. Nieces, nephews, parents, brothers, sisters, like um keep accessing those. They're a blessing. And so she was faithful and faithful and faithful and faithful and said, Hey, I'm gonna walk with the Lord in the singleness as long as he's got this for me, right?
Renee Richel:Yeah.
Pastor Bob Martin:Um and then out of nowhere, seemingly, God introduces this person to now for them to spend the rest of their lives together. I think the misconception is that simple faithfulness isn't enough. I need to wave a bunch of magic wands to do extra things. Um, instead, oftentimes it's just saying, no, let me be faithful this week to follow Jesus' call for me, and let me take next steps both in living my life faithfully and going ahead and reaching out relationally, using all the tools available to me, all the communities available to me. But let me be faithful instead of glamorous or instantaneous, because it probably won't be glamorous and instantaneous, and that's okay.
Renee Richel:Yes, the one that's gonna love you is gonna love you for all of you and seeing you through all the seasons and all the things, and you know, the word that was coming to your mind or phrase that was coming to me when you were saying that is when you're in those situations and you are trying to figure out what to do, and people tell you or give you advice. Is I always tell everybody, always ask yourself, what would Jesus do? Would Jesus want you to sit around and mope around? Would Jesus want you to say something you can't take back? Like in those phases, take a pause and say, What would Jesus do? He would go out, he would talk to people, he would communicate, he would be of community. And um, you know, we have one life and we have no idea how long. And every breath, every day, every second is precious. So don't waste it.
Pastor Bob Martin:Yeah. And and I'll tell you, Renee, if I can add one more into that, because this is such a good question about misconceptions. I think you're so right. I think one, and and maybe this is a little bit me talking specifically to guys too. Um, I think it applies to all of us, though. I think there can be a misconception that dating is all about me. That fundamentally it's me, it's my story, it's what I want, it's me finding the thing. And what I try and always tell guys, and God was gracious to give this to me, he kind of knocked my head into the wall enough times to learn a lesson. It was just to simply have this goal in dating, this prayer. God, let me serve this woman as long as you let me be in relationship with her.
Renee Richel:Amen.
Pastor Bob Martin:That's my goal. My goal is not to get from her, to receive from her, to have her complete me and fulfill me and all these sorts of things. It's to be like Jesus and say, whether I get to go on one date with her, or whether I get to go on a year's dates with her and get engaged and start this journey, or whether I get to be married for the rest of my days, as many days as you let me be in relationship, let me serve her. Because then that way, even if our parts pat our ways pat part, she's able to say, you know what? He was imperfect, he wasn't the one for me, but he did bless me. He did serve me like Jesus, and I saw some of Jesus with him. And that is a great goal. That is a kingdom goal in dating.
Renee Richel:And I love that you say that to all of our men out there, that sometimes they're fed up, they're frustrated, they don't know what to do, and they're like, I can never do anything right. It's that what message you just said is are you waking up every day loving her, making her life better in regards that she will love you back unconditionally through all the things that we mess up or sometimes do wrong, but serving her first and she will forever love you back? It's just that simple, right? So I love that you're reiterating that and stating that. Can you come in and talk to all of our guys? I feel like sometimes they need that little extra talk.
Pastor Bob Martin:Great, that's right. Yeah, a little firm hand on the back. We all need it.
Renee Richel:Exactly. What encouragement would you give to someone who feels discouraged in their singleness of who's um experienced broken relationships, which I feel like we touched a little bit more on, but let's for anybody out there that's listening, that's maybe going through a breakup right now, and you know the hurt is painful.
Pastor Bob Martin:That's right, that's right. It is so so, first of all, like I I want to acknowledge that and say that plainly, like you just did, Renee. Like, the hurt of a breakup is real. Broken relationships are painful. And our scriptures and our God and our Lord Jesus is no stranger to suffering. He is no stranger to broken relationships, right? That's why even in Exodus, when God tells his name and his character to Moses, he is the God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He's saying, I'm the one who's gonna give covenant love that never breaks, that never runs out, that never stops giving itself to you. And that's unlike any human relationship you will ever encounter. So it's okay for us to say, man, humans have failed us, and I feel the pain of that brokenness. I would say, maybe as a really weird, ironic encouragement, for many of us, one of the cures for our pain and our loneliness is actually more alone time. And what I don't mean by that is just um kind of wailing in my living room all alone or something like that. What I mean like that is this spiritual practice called solitude. Solitude is making space to be alone with God. So God's graciously allowed me to build over time kind of a habit of about every quarter, setting aside two to three hours to just be quiet before the Lord.
Renee Richel:Yes.
Pastor Bob Martin:To listen to his voice, to walk with him, to enter into prayer.
Renee Richel:So healing and therapeutic.
Pastor Bob Martin:It is so healing, Renee. It is so healing because at the end of the day, if we really do serve an invisible God who is present with us by his spirit, how are we supposed to access him, right? We access him through his word, we access him through prayer. But the problem that many of us have is we don't make space for him to respond to us. We don't make space for him to love us. So, my two encouragements, because someone watching and listening, you may need to hear this and actually do this this month.
Renee Richel:Yeah.
Pastor Bob Martin:Try to spend a little bit of silence in your quiet time. And by silence I mean silence. I don't want you to read verses on the page of your Bible. I don't want you to pray. I want you to quietly receive, breathe deeply, and spend three to ten minutes in God's presence, letting him love you. Look at God, looking at you in love, and wait for him. By the way, that's really super hard to do. We're all super busy and distracted. Um there's one writer who said, like, my brain is like monkeys in a banana tree when I try and do that. So, so so if you have a hundred issues that are distracting you, that's a hundred opportunities to literally just hand them over to Jesus and settle with him and try that over six, ten, twelve, fourteen, thirty days to spend a little bit of silence dripping. But then in solitude, I'd say either this month or this quarter, try to set aside at least two hours to be quiet with the Lord. A local park, a library, a room, an Airbnb, and just say, God, I'm just gonna let you meet with me. Even if I'm experiencing the pain of someone who hurt me, I'm gonna let you have space to love me.
Renee Richel:I love that advice. That is such a good tip. And I think also to listen to whatever a breakup is, to clear out that toxic, you know, maybe whatever feelings or thoughts or emotions were said that that is not who you are, and listen to what Lord the Lord tells you, you know, who you are too. So I love that. Great, great advice. And as a pastor, what's one piece of wisdom you wish more singles preparing for marriage would take seriously from the start of a new relationship? Talking about, you know, doing premarital and watching couples then be all about the marriage and the wedding, and or actually more about the wedding than sometimes the marriage, and they skip the beat of then after married, what that actually looks like. So I that's a great question.
Pastor Bob Martin:Yeah, I think um, yeah, that's really good. Um, I think probably you bring you into marriage. Um, I think that's what people moving toward marriage need to hear. Like, you're not just it's not just the glamour of the wedding day. And man, many of you guys watching and listening, like you're you might be on the way, moving toward that wedding day, and you have a vision and you got a board, you got a Pinterest board, you got so you got all this stuff that you're ready to go, and that's cool, that can be beautiful, right? I'm really thankful we ended up having a beautiful wedding day. That's great. But like you alluded to, Renee, marriage is about what happens after that wedding day. The wedding day is just the front door of the house. And wouldn't it be a shame if your front door was so beautiful and it had like a pottery bar and wreath on it, and it like restoration hardware doorknob, and like it was just gorgeous, right? Painted with whatever the top level paint is. The door was glamorous. And then you walked into the house and it was a shambles. That is not what you want for your marriage. So here's what you just need to know: like, you bring you into the marriage. You, you, there's there's only one thing in the whole, my dad growing up, used to always say this to me there's only one thing in the whole world you can control, and that's your response. You can't control the response of your spouse to be. You get to control you. So here's the question I think we need to ask as we're moving toward that covenant, because it is a covenant, it's a life and promise before God and others. And that's my prayer. I'm getting to do premarital counseling right now with some couples, and my I'll let them know my prayer for you is that God would prepare you to make this covenant before Him and others, because it's that big of a deal. We're not used to covenants and lifelong promises as much in our culture, but that's what it is.
Renee Richel:Yeah.
Pastor Bob Martin:Um, and and here's what I would say: as you bring you into marriage, are you asking the question, am I becoming more like Jesus? Right? So here's the question. What if you didn't just obey the teachings of Jesus, but also sought to live the lifestyle of Jesus? Right?
Renee Richel:Yeah.
Pastor Bob Martin:So that you're following in his word, you're living his life, your life is based on his rhythms, and he's building his character within you. Because it's it's usually going to be the least glamorous virtues that are the most important in marriage. I tell people, I've told this before, like, man, when you read the fruit of the spirit, the least sexy of all of them is patience, right? Like, who cares? Right? Love and joy and like all this sort of stuff. But in marriage, and my experience, what my spouse has needed for me, right? And God's graciously growing me in is patience over a long haul with others. That's the character of Jesus. So let him start growing Jesus' character in you, and that'll make you better prepared than having the perfect floral arrangement.
Renee Richel:Well, like they say, practice makes perfection. And starting off practicing while you're single is the best seat to be in than being somebody that didn't practice and is married and now struggles with that. So again, when you're single and you're learning all these little nuggets, practice them now. So you're never in that seat of doubt when you're married, which I love to summarize pretty much everything that I feel like you've said. And I would love anybody that's listening to this that is looking for a church either in the Indianapolis area or wants to hear more inspiring messages from your community. How do people find you?
Pastor Bob Martin:Yep. So they can find College Park Church at yourchurch.com and they can find more resources about loneliness and a lot of other things like that in the spiritual life at binmin.org. That's b-in-m-in- dot org.
Renee Richel:I love that. And we'll put those notes for people to find as well in our community so that we can all one heart, one couple, one village or community at a time, inspire each other to do more of God's work. So thank you so much, Bob, for joining us today. And I know we'll have you back on with more talks of conversations. And I hope you have a blessed rest of your week and continue to spread the word of what you're doing to so many hearts.
Pastor Bob Martin:Thank you so much, Renee. It's great.
Renee Richel:It's been another great talk on this episode of 1 True Talks by Renee Richel. I look forward to our next chat. Please write in your questions and comments so I can be sure to talk about whatever it is you want to discuss in our next upcoming episode. Lots of love. God bless, XOXO.